Luther's 95 Theses

translated into modern English

First of all: Purgatory? Really?

Second of all: That thing with the relics. You made that up!!!!!!!!!!

Third of all: OMGWAIH You want to monetize purgatory? There is no secondary market in absolution.

Fourth of all: Indulge me here for minute. Tons of people have had near-death experiences. Right? They even have their own YouTube channel. And you keep hearing about the white light of heaven. Right? Not too many people talk about the black light of Satan's disco. Four or five, tops. But what percentage of near-deathers talk about the beige light of purgatory? You do the math.

Fifth of all: Don't tell me you take Dante's book literally. The language is vulgar. And it says right on the cover that it's a comedy. Not ROTFL comedy but weird edgy comedy.

Sixth of all: And where is purgatory? Dante says it's the antipode of Jerusalem. That would put it 1300 miles southwest of Pitcairn Island. Did he pick that location so nobody would go and check it out?

Seventh of all: Wachet auf, dude! This is 1517. Purgatory is so 1245

Eighth of all: What about the Jews? You don't want to hear what I think about the Jews.

Ninth of all: IMHO, Pope Leo's decrees are bull.

Tenth of all: The saints will not bail you out of Purgatory. Not for all the bitcoin in your wallet. The saints are not on taskrabbit.

yadda yadda yadda

Ninety-fifth of all: Diet of Worms! You can't make that shit up!

Coprolite Harvey Greenberg 2016 edited 2019-20 '^H.